I feel like I'm losing my mind, every day feels longer. I know many other couples are separated for much longer than this, but anyone who knows me knows that I don't compare myself to others. And I'm not them dammit! I can't concentrate on anything. Not my online classes, not even video games or books! I can't draw anything anymore, so I can't let my feelings out that way. The soonest I can see him will be the end of July, and the latest would be October. Technically though, they could just keep him there until his inital 5-year contract is up. This may seem reasonable at a glance, but the military's system of authority is really screwed up. This is exactly what's going on; "You're fired, but we're forcing you to stay here for as long as we find it convenient." The next time he can come see me was supposed to be the last time he would have to leave me again for more than a work-day's length. It's not his fault, I know that. But he still says he's sorry. Idiot.

I want so badly to see him soon, but if they keep him later, I don't want him to spend the money to come see me. But if I don't see him soon I feel like I'm just going to continue losing my mind like this. I cry every night and when I wake up. I just want to sleep. If he's not here, just let me sleep. But I know that's not healthy, so I'll try to get together with my friends more often. But it's not the same. I want to apply for a job at Game Stop or something to pass the time and help him save up, but I'm afraid that during work I'll randomly start crying like I have been at home. Hearing someone's voice seems to trigger it, so how could I do anything useful? I don't want to be a worthless lump of a hermit, but I just can't force myself to do anything.

I want to hear him, to know that he's still there and he hasn't forgotten about me... But hearing his voice and knowing I can't reach out and hold onto him is more painful than I can describe. Even more painful than seeing and feeling the silver chain he gave to me on the last day of Sogen Con. I was crying because I was scared that I might not see him again, and he took a silver necklace out of his bag. I thought he was going to be like other guys and try to make the pathetic crying girl feel better with jewelry. He put it around my neck and said I could borrow it, but that he would get it back from me himself. He said that as long as I had it, it was a promise that I would see him again. He also told me that he would get it back someday because his mother gave it to him and made him make the same promise to her before he moved onto the Ellsworth Air Force base. He wants me to meet his mother, and since I have the chain, I suppose I'm tied to her as well somehow. I have seen him twice since he put this silver necklace on me... I still have it, and I believe he will keep his promise.

Another month feels like it may as well be five years. Every day it just feels farther away.